Photuris: The Literary Companion
by Green Owl
Summary: Acknowledgements, background, notes and trivia on the series starring Jayne Cobb and River Tam. From the Songs About Jayne Collection.


**FYI - the pretty version of this is over on my webpage...**

**Acknowledgements:**

Joss Whedon – you da man, sir!

Adam Baldwin and Summer Glau – for having chemistry that's got more sizzle than bacon fryin' in a skillet with the knob cranked all the way up

Agrabah's Princess – who was the first to review me - she read it and let everyone else know she approved.

Brody2477 – who always championed that "filthy-guilty" feelin'

bugchicklv – for loving all things Adam Baldwin-flavored and for creating that damn _qing_ movie; yes, I _am_ scarred for life; no, not in a bad way _at all_! (By the by, I love-love-love your work - _squee_!)

Connecticut Junkie – who promised to "pimp" me all over the internet: smooches!

Duk92 – for the "guh!" and buying that twist I worked my "pretty little backside" off to justify

elaine451 – I worked my butt off to find a way to make it all work in "Not Coming Home" – thanks so much for recognizing the effort! Love you and all your work!

Emma Fallowthorn – who faithfully added each story to her "Favorites" category hours after it was published – I am moved, girl, truly touched by that kind of faithfulness

Fabled Figment – yes, I totally agree, Jayne has a problem– it is _not_ easy being that hot! (By the by, I love-love-love your work, too – more _squee_!)

Freakage – thank you so much for your accolades! Don't know if I deserve them, but I'm just gonna smile and accept them with grace and goodwill. Bright blessings on you, sweetie!

icebreather – who not only writes the best damn smuffy (smut-fluffy) RAYNE fiction I've ever read, but was gracious enough to take the time to look at my work and feed me the feedback

JustaGirl24 – who saw the revolution _and_ the evolution and made that sleepless night of scribbling totally worth it

Karn – for words of encouragement when I needed them the most

Serenity Valley Girl – who's going to _**Kashmir**_ with me in 2008 – roadtrip, baby, yeah!

Smut Angel – for demanding more, more, more!

Sunshineali – I took a chance on that chapter and you brought me down to what matters: taking care of the boy

And the Denizens of Green Owl's Café o' Smut: Angelvicki, colorguard06, rebellover, redcandle, neisprime, vandiver49, williamjamesw, litine, Lrnd, leena-mck, litine, kmurphy3 – all of whom actually gave a damn about finding out if I updated my stories page; nothing but love for all of you!

* * *

**Songs About ****Ja****(y****)ne**** – Series Notes**

Overview – this is pure mind crack and never let me tell you anything different. I produced it for no other reason than as an exercise in writing smut – that _Firefly_ and _Serenity_ were masterpieces of science-fiction storytelling were completely incidental. Sorry kids, I eventually proved to be a Browncoat, but the only thing that had me pick this fandom in the first place was the character of the very toothsome Jayne Cobb.

Hello, my name is Green Owl, and (to quote a Julie Brown song ) "I like 'em big and stupid".

Due to the almost rabid nature of the fan following, I did the best job I possibly could and thoroughly researched the canon with multiple viewings of the boxed set of episodes and the special edition of the movie – both of which were bought at full price and toted around in case of the need to refer back to them.

Jayne was an easy choice. I like twisted men like Ryan O'Reily and Chris Keller (OZ), Logan/Wolverine (X-Men), Jeremy Grey (Wedding Crashers). Tall, handsome, badass and weapon-crazy, Jayne Cobb is "my kind of stupid".

But why River + Jayne?

Well, of the conventional pairings…

Simon + Kaylee - cavities (don't need any of those, thanks)

Zoe + Wash - banned (Zoe put a moratorium on this and I adhere to it out of respect for her grief)

Mal + Inara - yawn… (sorry, but they are so godawful _trite_)

There were only two people who were not paired up with anyone else, and I had the thought…

River + Jayne - mindfuck-age! (awesome!)

Just to be sure, I look at all possible Jayne-based pairings:

Jayne + Zoe - dick gettin' detached

Jayne + Inara - bitch gettin' slapped

Jayne + Kaylee - itch gettin' scratched

Jayne + Mal - kick gettin' dispatched

Jayne + Book - glitch gettin' hatched

Jayne + Simon - slick gettin' capped

Jayne + Wash - hick gettin' latched (onto)

Jayne + River - witch gettin' matched - mindfuck-age! (awesome!)

Mnemosyne23 is entirely to blame for giving me the final push with her excellent vid-ship, Take Me Home Tonight. If any of you liked anything I wrote for this pairing, please acknowledge her because she started me down this dark path that entirely squicked Adam Baldwin, Ron Glass, Jewel Staite and Morena Baccarin in 2005 at the _Jive Magazine_ convention.

"She's _twelve_; I'm _forty_," Baldwin said after washing his mouth out at the thought.

"There must be _some_ honor among thieves," Ron Glass added, after making a completely disgusted face.

_Yes_, thought I, _but _mindfuck_-age (! awesome!) is the only road for a true _artiste _(yes, Joss, with the "e" and the beret") to travel. _

And since I make art, not commercialized dreck (like a certain network currently peddles, thanks for the DVDs, but damn it to Special Hell for all eternity!), I knew I would be shouldering a backpack full of rabid, horny little plot bunnies and striding into that 'verse as a RAYNEmaker.

Since Jayne was the creative focus, he and I sat down for what I call a "conference" in which we discussed his goals and mine. Basically, we had a conversation inside my head – I know, odd and possibly a little creepifyin', but that's how we "git 'er done" in my 'verse. He was all on board for the sexin' (he is Jayne, after all), I was all on board for delving deep into his psyche.

We then came to an accord regarding the structure. I thought I could do pretty well by employing the literary device of writing a series set to an album, something I attempted with _Continuum_ in my X-Men fandom, but which didn't go as well as I liked because I had issues with a chapter that caused writer's block. I bit the bullet and chose to try again, this time using the breakthrough album by Maroon 5, _Songs __About__ Jane_. Jayne's only request was nothing that made him appear "non-manly", and plenty of warm-up for any emotional investments that I was going to have him make.

About chapter 4, something odd happened – Jayne took me aside and said, "don't ya even think 'bout disrespectin' that girl". Somehow, he found himself developing feelings for River and he got a little worried I'd make light of it or make fun of him, her or the both of them. He bluntly asked me if I was going to make him fall in love. I told him that I honestly didn't know at that point – it was supposed to be just sex. I thought it would be an interesting character arch for him and he agreed, but not without a great deal of trepidation.

You see, he really, really liked the sex, but when it came to love, he had no experience with it. If it was what was going to happen, he requested I take it very, very slow. I promised him I would be gentle with him – no atrocious assaults on his psyche, no lasting damage to his calm, and all of it kept in character.

So that's the story of how it all began.

Much love,

Green Owl, RAYNEmaker

P.S. At the end of this article is a series of F.A.Q. related to the more burning questions people have asked about the plot.

* * *

Without further ado: 

Originally envisioned progression of sexual acts…

1 – visual eroticism

2 – nakedness, implied masturbation

3 – masturbation, him on her

4 – mutual masturbation

5 – oral sex, her on him

6 – oral sex, him on her

7 – vaginal sex, her on him

8 – hot, wild space monkey sex, him on her

9 – hush-hush crack-addictive sex – all kinds

10 – break-up crack-addictive sex, both

11 – make-up crack-addictive sex – all kinds

12 – happy-crack-addictive sex – all kinds

What actually ended up happening:

1 – visual eroticism

2 – implied masturbation, nakedness

3 – masturbation, him on her

4 – masturbation, him on himself, him on her

5 – oral sex, her on him

6 – oral sex, him on her

7 – masturbation, him on her

8 – vaginal sex, mutual satisfaction

9 – rough, selfish vaginal sex, him on her

10 – hot, playful sex, mutual satisfaction

11 – gentle, sweet comfort sex, mutual satisfaction

12 – crack-addictive shower sex – the good kind

* * *

**1 – Harder to Breathe**

This was relatively easy to write. I loved the pull-ups from Mnemonsyne23's vid-ship, Take Me Home Tonight, and I thought it would be great to kick off this twisted little mess with some shameless Jayne-watching on the part of River. I mean, _come on_, people. Jayne Cobb is incredibly easy on the eyes, especially with that goatee. I've heard the term "arm-porn" used by rabid fans to describe moments in the series when his t-shirt didn't quite cover his biceps (yes, I'm talking to _you_, bugchicklv), but I'm more partial to his lower parts in those tight cargo pants. The scene in which he contributes to Mal and Wash's ransom in "War Stories" still makes me drool to this day. Okay, enough salivating. Let's talk details.

I wanted to make use of the vertical space, Jayne's predilection for exercising and River's love of the catwalk. The whole thing hinged on my being able to set up a set of circumstances that would be plausible. If I couldn't sell this, the rest of the story wouldn't fly. I "put the thinking cap on" (ingested massive quantities of Diet Coke) and started postulating..."how can we ease Jayne into a situation in which he is 'servicing' River"?

What I had to work with were three assumptions: 1) Jayne would be thrown out the airlock if he lifted a hand to River so she could do just about anything she wanted to do to him and he couldn't say a word ("Ariel"), 2) Jayne didn't understand River, but he found her attractive enough to lust on ("Serenity"), 3) River liked Jayne and wanted him to behave himself and learn the error of his ways ("Trash"). To this I added the possibility that River had a legitimate and logical reason to employ Jayne that wouldn't be revealed until much later (my plot twist, completely original).

Jayne would never willingly go along with what River was proposing unless she forced him into it. The song was particularly useful, as it expressed Jayne's extreme annoyance at being used and River's absolute willingness to use threats to ensure compliance. This concept also served to develop River as a strong female – under the seemingly soft skin and breakable bones of the little girl is a spine of solid steel who will do anything to get what she wants.

I made a point of using RAYNE leitmotifs throughout the series; most noticeable here is **"copper for a kiss"** as a way for River to feed the "dirty movie machine" that she views through the grate. The classic Jayne leitmotif of **"I'll be in my bunk"** also proved too good to resist using as a wrap-up. Also included are **Vera**, **getting' spaced**, **Jayne's appetite**, **shirtless Jayne**, **Jayne working out**, **PULL UPs**.

Trivia

Copper is used to make Peruvian marriage milagros – can be used in spells for love, marriage or sex magic

River references _The Lord's Prayer_, Jesus' teachings about money, _Julius Caesar_, _The Sound of Music_

* * *

**2 – This Love**

Ah, more shameless Jayne-watching on the part of River. Honestly, with that fine body of Jayne's, can you blame the girl? I had an image in my mind of Jayne bathing in a river (I know, how yummy) and what heterosexual woman could resist a big, handsome fellow naked in a stream? It also turned around the "naked woman bathing" conceit in many cowboy movies so I felt completely justified in stripping Jayne down and having River ogle him.

This chapter was written after the third one, so I had a few tricky parts that I needed to back into – specifically the mention of "grown-up show and tell". I needed a way to get Jayne naked and easily spied on, so what's better than giving him a world-water fixation and a planet with no modern shower facilities? Add to that a rugby drinking song I learned in college (see, Mom and Dad, that Bryn Mawr education paid off finally!) and a bar of pine tar soap (courtesy of that great American classic, _The Cherokee Kid_) and I had a recipe for no-shirt-no-shoe-no-_pants_-no-gorram-problem! It was also a good way to reinforce the "unclean" feeling he experiences, even though he showers continually.

This is also the first time that Jayne notices that she is interacting more easily with others and examining his motives. He is in no way willing to have anything to do with the girl – it's just too dangerous and volatile in his calculations, especially with her developing tendency of passing out in his bunk. He's also annoyed that he can't get the image of her out of his mind and she doesn't seem to be one whit intimidated by his size. He also doesn't realize the foreshadowing of being immersed in the river.

I am most proud of River's playtime with Jayne's clothes. It was an innocent and sweet way for her to analyze him and his motives. And the bit about "weapons of choice" was too good to leave out. Here is a link to the t-shirt she got for him: Weapons of Choice.

By the way, this is the song I like the least on the soundtrack – the tempo is too upbeat for the lyrics. I had a hard time dissecting it for the scheme I had in mind until I figured out that "this love" is Jayne's love of a good bath as well as River's love of Jayne-watching. Leitmotifs of Jayne's that I included are his **cigar**, **Binky**, **food theft**, **gun cleaning**, **knife sharpening**, **Public Relations**.

I added an original one of my own – River's habit of saying "goodbye", which is a word that appears in many of the songs from the album.

Trivia

Salisbury is mentioned, but never seen in the series or the movie, so I imagined it as a sort of Wild West town from _Young Guns II_

River falling asleep in Jayne's bed was designed to show his ambivalence about her attention and give a possible reason for ability to get into his bunk and foreshadow the St. Christopher's medal in the BDM

The cattle prod crack of Mal's is paid off in "Through With You" by Mal's crack about Jayne being a bull; the Baby Jayne crack is an indicator that Mal thinks Jayne never really grew up

River watching Jayne wash was originally inspired by the movie _Volunteers_ (1985) – _"He's probably down by the river, paying the young girls to wash themselves!" – Beth Wexler_

River references whiskey, _Dune_ and the various Bigfoot legends

The three deities Jayne calls on for help are the ones he has the least respect for and faith in

The "quid pro quo" interpretation of "two by two" is from _Silence of the Lambs_

* * *

**3 – Shiver**

So Jayne's in a current state of extreme distress given that River, or "the girl" as he thinks of her, has gotten the drop on him twice. Curses! I had to figure out a way to get them alone together and having Simon in charge of peddling the medical supplies seemed the best way to do it. How to get Inara out of there also presented an issue, but since River was out for the count and supposedly locked in, it was all good.

River's little speech to Jayne before he does the deed

This is the first time we see a crack in Jayne's tendency to be mean, mostly on account of him laying hands on her and smelling her. Baldwin has said that Jayne is always touching things and smelling them, so it seemed appropriate that Jayne would shift at that moment. The apples and vanilla scents are carried over into the next chapter as well.

This piece was the result of a dream, a really good dream, the kind that makes you wake up the middle of the night sweating and shivery. No, perverts, I'm not talking about the sex part – that was Jayne and _his_ filthy mind! I'm talking about the "to ensure prompt service" part. What a way to end it…

In the meantime, I wanted to make sure that I get a nod into an excellent movie, _300_. I am referring to the "you ain't gonna enjoy this" part of the piece, which in its own way, both terrified me and turned me on when nasty Dominic West muttered that line in the movie to Lena Headey. I highly recommend the movie, especially for the sight of a mostly unclothed, completely jacked Gerard Butler. Back on topic, there's something quite hot about the scene and it hints a little at Jayne's past, especially with the kicking apart of River's feet. Where exactly did her learn that maneuver, hmmm?

I did research on guns for this chapter and Jayne's LeMat revolver came into play. Boo, of course, is a LeMat, but I wanted him to have something a little more elegant and high-value. Research yielded the information on the hard-to-find cleaning jag and I went with it from there.

Great song. Fabulous riff to it and good to work around River's tendency to go nutcakes at the best/worst time. Leitmotifs are Jayne's love of **gun-cleaning**, **grenades** and his **crush on ****Inara** (revealed by Adam Baldwin in a convention). Others are **Vera**, **food theft**, **The Ballad of Jayne**, **"I'll be in my bunk"**, **butcher knife**, **incense smells weird**, **man parts**, **Jayne's sense of smell**, **apples**, "**downright ****unsettlin****'"**.

Trivia

"Lock it up" is a reference to _Wedding Crashers (2005)_

I had to add a sentence because Jayne _had_ been in Inara's shuttle ("Out of Gas") so I made up an allergy to incense to explain why he didn't remember what it looked like

Deirdre was the mythical Irish maiden who caused sorrow for any man who fell in love with her

"Finders keepers, finders weepers" is a chapter title from _Bored of the Rings_, the Harvard National Lampoon satire of _Lord of the Rings_

River references _Bored of the Rings_, ice cream, and information on rivers I found in a TimeLife book

Jayne's lifting of River's skirt is an homage to Jerry Dandridge's seduction of Amy in _Fright Night_ (1985)

River's beginning fascination with Jayne's belt buckle stems from a previous fandom fascination – that of women for the Wolverine's belt buckle in the _X-Men_ series

* * *

**4 – She Will Be Loved**

This is the chapter where Jayne took me aside and said he was starting to have feelings for River. He told me that he didn't want to make this cheap or tawdry; he wanted to be considerate of her. I thought it was quite sweet and reworked the scene in the bunk so that it showed a genuine concern for her. He could have been crude, rude, lewd, and instead he was almost…courteous.

I have no shame in confessing that I loved writing the dinner table part of this. Letting Jayne share his extremely inappropriate thoughts was one of the more amusing experiences I've had in a long time. It also gave me a chance to seriously consider each of the crew members as possible sex partners for River, and I truly believe that if it came down to it, it was either Mal or Jayne for River. None of the others were very suitable. And here we have the first hint of jealousy rearing its ugly head – Jayne wanting to hurt Mal for making River smile. Say it with me, ladies: "Awww…"

Our first hint of the nature of River's need for "service" with regards to Jayne comes in this chapter. Inara's late night visit to Jayne's bunk also gives a hint as to what River might need to keep herself sane.

We also get the interesting substitution of oranges for apples and vanilla ice cream. In Greek mythology, the orange represented the gift of immortality (Jayne doesn't expect to live long – "The Message") as well as a wedding gift of the gods. By having River give them to Jayne, I wanted to hint at a possible connection between the two of them later on. Another interpretation is that orange is the color of the second chakra, which represents the unconscious, the unexpressed, that which is dormant, especially sexual desire. Another can be that Jayne possesses an extra gene which allows him to see orange, as well as red, green and blue in the color spectrum, hinting at his superior tracking abilities. Orange is also the color of prison jumpsuits and safety signs. Can we say "symbolism overload"?

And of course, what can be better than a hot man in nothing but a sheet – another Western conceit I borrowed and used. I worked out the blocking of the blanket with a friend in five minutes and man, that was fun!

Leitmotifs were **working out**, **Jayne's appetite**, **Jayne's filthy mind**, **apples**, **Jayne's crush on ****Inara**, **bad guys**, **"talk pretty"**. River's insistence on him "behaving as a mercenary" is a leitmotif that I continue through the series as a way to play his actions off the perceptions of him. In the second chapter, he doesn't take the money on her dresser, but he could chalk that up to lack of opportunity. In this chapter, she forces his hand, literally, by placing it between her legs.

One of my favorite songs from the album and kind of difficult to match with the story – how can Jayne love someone when all he's ever known has been sex? I decided that there would be an emphasis on the "will" in the title – no matter how much Jayne tries to avoid River, she will be loved. And my heart warmed at their last, wordless exchange – him talking, her touching, and then him finally saying her name…so damn sweet.

Trivia

"Man-whore" is a reference to _Deuce __Bigalow__: Male Gigolo_ (1999) – _"You stay away from her, man-whore!"_ - Megan

Jayne's urge to elbow Mal in the face for possible lusting foreshadows River elbowing Jayne in the face in the BDM

Apple cobbler was chosen as dessert because it was relatively simple, went well with vanilla ice cream and hinted that River's tastes were not as rarefied as others might assume

_Phantom of the Opera_ is referenced because it features a young girl-older man relationship

River's insistence on Jayne saying her name was inspired by a scene from the Silence of the Lambs in which the news was repeating a missing girl's name over and over again in reference to her – _"They're __trying to make him see [the girl as __a person - not just an object." – Clarice Starling_

When Jayne does say her name, it's on his own terms; he will not use her name until "Through With You", by which time he has fallen in love with her

* * *

**5 – Tangled**

I feel like this was where I really got into the groove with regards to matching the songs with the stories. I started with the image of Jayne's fingers tangled in River's hair, ended with him looking down on the tangle of his noodles and mixed up his life with the hints about River's therapy throughout. There are references to what she's been studying, as well as the possible therapy she's engaging in to keep her calm and lucid.

I needed to make sure that certain rules were established between River and Jayne to make sure this series of tales stayed in canon. A welcome side-effect was that it added a layer of complexity and danger to the collection. Lots of fun can be had when one is trying to rush sex and Jayne discovers this time and again during the rest of the series.

I wanted River's first experience with oral sex to be considerate, fun and sweet. To that end, I decided not to give any blatantly descriptions of the size or shape of Jayne's anatomy or what River did with it; I brought it down to the feelings, the sensations separate from the act itself, the thoughts he had about how good it felt. It was quite nice to discover that Jayne wasn't the kind of man to expect her to "ingest" and very naughty to discover that River had no problem with doing so. The intertextual reference to "Tiny Dancer" is a nod to the song shippers out there.

This is the first time Jayne displayed any kind of morality, mostly in conjunction with protesting her attempt to pay him for giving him oral sex. I chose to balance it with Jayne deliberately baiting Simon later so he wouldn't seem like he was going soft. But there's also some interesting play, comparing Jayne's resistance of River with Simon's reluctance to take up with Kaylee.

I decided that since Jayne's folks were welders, I needed some sort of tie-in to the god of the forge. Vulcan was used in Roddenberry's 'verse so I settled for Aetna. The other interesting exchange between Jayne and Book was written before I saw the movie, but I am glad that it all fits in nicely.

I wrote this before I saw the BDM and was a little surprised to see I'd preemptively worked in a discussion on sins similar to that of the Operative. Very odd and at the same time, somewhat comforting. I dated an alcoholic once, so I knew where to go for the information on addiction and I was able to build up the relationship between Jayne and Book a little more, which is always a good thing.

Leitmotifs – **Jayne's appetite**, **Vera**, **cluelessness**, **"****kosherized****"**, **weight bench**.

Trivia

I chose the armory for that encounter because I'd seen a copy of the blueprints for _Serenity_ and it seemed like a relatively private location and somewhere Jayne might fantasize about "gettin' sexed"

The "fluids" replacement was a nod to Gloria Cleary having her way with Jeremy Grey in _Wedding Crashers_ (2005) – _"She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me!"_

The drill sergeant that Simon watched was R. Lee Ermey in _Full Metal Jacket_, which Adam Baldwin starred in as Animal Mother

"Incorrigible" was a reference to Kurt Von Trapp in _The Sound of Music_

"Pack of rabid dogs on a three-legged cat" is a reference to Jeff Foxworthy, describing his relatives and how they responded to a cleaning lady's cart left outside in a hallway in a hotel

Buddha George W. Shrub is a reference to the ex-governor of Texas who occupied the office of the President of the United States of America from 2000-2008

* * *

**6 – The Sun**

This chapter began with Jayne mentally dictating a letter to his mother because we hadn't had any glimpses of Jayne's relationship with his mother yet. Incidentally, I imagine her response would have been something like this:

_"My dear boy,_

_"I __oughta__ punch you in the face! You know better than to get mixed up with some fancy Core girl! Well, I suppose you get what you deserve. Just remember, piece be steel and blessed are the __piecemakers__, Smith & Wesson!_

_"Love,_

_"__Your__ Mother"_

You see, after five consecutive chapters pumped themselves out easily enough, I ran into a wall.

A big, hard, evil wall that wouldn't come down, no matter how much I banged my head against it. Ouchies!

And to top it all off, other male characters from other canons tried to woo me away (yes, I'm talking to _you_, Ryan O'Reily [Oz!)

I had two choices – go light or go dark. I had a few days in which I considered going dark and it included a lengthy conversation between Jayne and Book in which I had Jayne confessing a shady past which I may do as a one-shot in a later composition.

I chose to stay light. God knows that things get pretty dark in the movie, so why not let those crazy kids have their fun while they can? But I was getting more and more stuck and I couldn't figure out how to get this chapter out. Then one day I was driving from work to home it hit me – the word "discount" flashed through my brain. Eureka! It was the answer to Jayne's prayers and my writer's block. It was easy to come up with the conversation between Book and Jayne after that epiphany, and it also made the conversation between River and Jayne easier as well.

The scene between River and Jayne was also going to be a little darker than it came out, but I decided that the comic touch was needed to maintain the rhythm and flow. I was a little surprised when Jayne started talking dirty to River, but, hey, if a man's good at it, who am I to tell him no?

Jayne's **friendship with Book**, his **relationship with his mother** and the **pancakes** appear in this chapter, as well as **"I'll be in my bunk" **and **"that's crazy talk"**.

Trivia

"Tractor beam of carnal lust" is a nod to _Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby _(2006) –_ "Like a_ _tractor beam of_ _hotness" – Ricky Bobby, describing his ex-wife __Carley's__ sexual allure_

"Jayne wanted to giggle his motherhumpin' ass off" is a revamp of a quote from Eddie Murphy's hilarious stand-up comedy special, _Delirious _(1982) – _"You know what – when nobody's home – you know what I do? I go up to the dog and then I kick the motherfucker! I kick the motherfucker with __everything I got__…and then I giggle my __motherfuckin__' ass off!"_

River tries on on different animal types for Jayne throughout this chapter– brown rat, silverback gorilla, Beast from "Beauty and the Beast".

_Rattus__norvegicus_ is a kind of rat – River was trying on different myths for herself an Jayne (they used to call her "little mouse" at the Academy) and Cobb is a Norwegian-derived last name

"Wickety-whack" is a term used in relation to Brer Rabbit, a Disney character who plays nutty to mask his intelligence

Vanadis is a name of a Scandinavian love goddess

"The battle between your id and your superego" references one of my favorite "un-famous" bands, Rockwell Church; their album, _Superego_ was released in 2000 – please check them out, buy their music – "She Hung the Moon" is one of the most beautiful love songs I've ever heard…

The Kel-Tec P11-Omega River removes from his boot is Lucretia

The pillow over the face was from a scene in American Pie (2000) between Kevin and Vicky

* * *

**7 – Must Get Out**

The chapter is deliberately longer than the others because I wanted the reader to experience Jayne's frustration with not being able to have "full-on sexin'" as he would refer to it. I also wanted to develop the relationships Jayne had with the crew. We get to see Mal's truly evil sense of humor, Wash going for the light side to keep from being nervous, Simon incredibly uncomfortable in unfamiliar surroundings and Jayne as the butt of many, many **whoring** jokes. Poor Jayne, not only was he disappointed that the multitude of enhanced breasts in a strip club weren't nearly as interesting as a perky pair belonging to a certain "pygmy nutcase", but he was also denied a visit to the whorehouses and when he actually gets a chance at the girl, he kinda / sorta takes the noble way out.

Simon's drunken babbling was much fun – I wanted to keep the "Simon in a whorehouse" scene, but I thought it might detract from the narrative, so I didn't write it and only hinted at it in the next chapter. I thought it was quite interesting that Jayne checked the hotel room to see if there was any way River could hurt herself, and later brought batteries to her.

Loved writing the shower scene – totally, shamelessly pilfered from _Casino Royale_, but with a RAYNE twist. I started with Jayne washing her in a tub (he was outside of it) but then I thought it would be more meaningful if he stripped down and joined her with no other intent besides getting her clean. That one brief moment of unselfishness on Jayne's part probably changed him for life.

Jayne gets another clue as to the nature of River's "therapy" but, being Jayne, doesn't figure it out at all. I was happy to be able to stay with the song as even use portions, especially the first time she said "goodnight" instead of "goodbye" – hinting at future sexin' activities.

Jayne leitmotifs: **copper for a kiss**, **cigar**, **weapon**, **flak jacket**, **Mudder's**** milk**, **nekkid**** Jayne** and the **unforgettable whoring shirt**.

River and Jayne were supposed to have sex in this chapter, but didn't happen. Below is the précis of what was supposed to occur before the crew started picking on Jayne's predilection for whoring.

_"Mal, Simon and Jayne go to a whorehouse. Jayne realizes he has to visit to keep up appearances. River understands and goes back to her room to sleep. Jayne finds himself disgusted by the cheap women (had the good stuff, can't drink rotgut anymore, damn her to hell for __givin__' him a taste of the finer things in life!) and pays a whore a lot of money to keep Simon severely intoxicated and out of the picture. Jayne returns to River – tells her that he'd rather make money than spend it. She smiles and accepts him into her bed. They have sex for the first time – her first. He tells her about his first time – how he'd never been with a woman he hadn't paid for."_

When Jayne opened the door, River was not ready for him. Her train of thought was supposed to have fit much better in "The Sun", but that's not what happened either.

Trivia:

Gladys, the Beretta 92FS Jayne wears in his crotch, was named after the final female that Mona listed in her dead man's litany of lovers in "The Cell Block Tango" from _Chicago_ (2002); the placement comes from _The Long Kiss Goodnight_ (1997) in which Dr. Nathan Waldman described himself as packing multiple guns, one of them next to "Mr. Willy"

Jayne's Glokker (Glock) 21, "Gloria", was named after the character Gloria Cleary from _Wedding Crashers_ – _"This girl's fit for a strait-jacket. I mean she's fucked three ways to the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it!" – Jeremy Grey_

I used "cod" (reference to male genitalia) here so it would not seem out of place in the BDM

The character of Skelly is played by Robert Arkins, who played Jimmy Rabbitte in _The Commitments_ (1991). He was modeled after a truly annoying former co-worker of mine, and if said ex-coworker can recognize himself, I'd like him to know that this was a big two middle-fingers up, way up, just for him. "Hope it shrivels up and falls off, little man."

The Celtic Core Bomb is modeled after an Irish Car Bomb, a very popular drink I served often in my days as a cocktail waitress

"Polluted" as a term to indicate a state of extreme drunkenness came from a Scotsman I met at the Celtic Classic this past year. We were watching a young man, inebriated to the point of alcohol poisoning, "gettin' jiggy" to the pipes and the aforementioned Scotsman just let that comment rip – precious!

Simon's "I'm drunk" comes from a dear friend of mine who says that a lot whenever she's intoxicated – as a hello, a goodbye, a filler, a reason for thinking that the ceiling is made of cheese…

River's use of the word "jade" to describe the sun is due to a features of many languages of the Far East – they often do not distinguish blue from green

River references Greek mythology, the Celsius-Farenheit conversion, Farenheit 454, and anatomy

"Ma's muzzleloader biscuits" is a reference at a meal I had with my family when I was about 14 or so – the biscuits were so hard that my uncle said they were "only fit to use as muzzleloaders"

The shower scene was an _homage_ to a similar scene in _Casino Royale_ (2006)

I was listening to Mariah Carey's "I Still Believe", "We Belong Together" and "Don't Forget About Us" when I wrote the shower scene. I feel all kinds of filthy-guilty for admitting that, but it's the truth

Hotel Cheng Sai is named after the Chinese goddess of the moon – she grows the peaches of immortality (Jayne gets knocked by River in BDM when she drops a can of peaches on his head)

* * *

**8 – Sunday Morning**

God, I wish my first time had been like this. So sweet, so hot, so gentle, so wild. Sigh…envy!

This is the first time I transitioned closely from one story to another – the spread was usually days and it was a matter of hours here. I don't know why Kaylee was so upset when she came back on board, but since this is told from Jayne's point of view and he's not much of an "inquirin' mind", I didn't get to find out. We do get a little bit of Simon in the whorehouse, and a hint of Jayne's growth as a human being.

I had no idea who would be on the other side of the door when Jayne opened it, but River was the perfect choice. There was more than enough time for the two of them to enjoy each other without the fear of discovery. Kaylee was back on _Serenity_, Simon was at the whorehouse and no one knew where Jayne or River were, nor did they care at that moment. Also, River finally found a myth to fit herself and Jayne. Yay!

I had an argument with a friend of mine over where River's first time should be. She said Jayne's bunk would be best; I wanted it to be in the hotel. I won (because I'm the writer, not her) and rationalized it by claiming it was the only place where they'd have little-to-no chance of being interrupted. I also wanted Jayne to experience what it was like to be in River's world while he was inside her for the first time. I like to think I gave River an excellent first time. Jayne was gentle with her, patient and kind, and let her set the pace.

It didn't go the way he thought it would because she discovered the third kind of female orgasm – the uterine-based climax. If you're a man, or you're a woman and you've never had one, here's the best way I can think to communicate the experience: clitoral orgasm is intense and occurs mostly on the surface of the skin, like a tornado; g-spot orgasm is mid-level, concentrated in the pelvis, and cyclical, like a series of high waves in an ocean storm; uterine orgasm is deep-body, centered all along the spine and akin to a 10.0 earthquake on the Richter scale. Uterine orgasms are generated when something the right size and shape slams against the cervix, given the female is sufficiently aroused. They are excruciatingly, intensely pleasurable and account for much of the "size queen" subculture among American women.

More Jayne **feeding** – does the man ever stop? (Now I know why Mal offered him free run of the kitchen – takes a lot of calories to fill up both of those long, long hollow legs. Sheesh!) More**nekkid**** Jayne** – just like we like him, right, bugchicklv? More Jayne **consuming mass quantities**, **"wishes were horses, we'd all be ****eatin****' steak"**, more Jayne handling **weapons**, and more **nekkid**** Jayne**, and just a little** better in red**.

Trivia

Elena is the chrome-plated Desert Eagle that River handles later in "Objects in Space"

Angie Is a Colt Python .357 Magnum

Jessica is a Smith & Wesson 41OS

The hand-touch Jayne and Kaylee do is derived from how players substitute in volleyball – I played for a season in high school and it's my favorite sport to play (hockey is my favorite live sport to watch, gymnastics and figure skating are my favorite TV sports to watch)

Jayne's prayer is perfectly respectful – his mother and grandmother are members of the Church of Saint Madea, a Christian sect in which "Peace, be still." is interpreted as "peace, be steel"; it could also be taken as a reference to a brilliant satirical moment in _Mean Girls_ (2004) in which a homeschooled boy reports, _"And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals."_

Jayne's meal (minus the ale) is the one I liked to order when I traveled for market research

Betsy is an M40 sniper rifle and is named after the crossbow that Trigger carries with him in Disney's _Robin Hood_ (1973)

"My turn" foreshadows River's swan dive through the door

River's "squeaks" are a reference to "little mouse" – a nickname she was given at the Academy

* * *

**9 – Secret**

I totally kicked ass with this piece of fiction, if I do say so myself. After several viewings of "Objects in Space" and re-reads of my previous work, I knew Jubal Early's red spacesuit was the key to my use of the "better in red" phrase. The only thing I couldn't work out was what to do with the gun that River found in the cargo bay.

Here's what I had to work with from the episode: 1) There was something about the way Baldwin played Jayne that seemed a little untruthful about the gun – he was too calm, controlled, didn't have enough bluster when Mal accused him of leaving it out; 2) Jayne was mightily disturbed by River's possible ability to read minds and was the last one at the dinner table when the crew dispersed; 3) Jayne was not upset by the bounty hunter's foray onto the ship; 4) Jayne was awfully insistent that the girl was a danger, despite River not doing anything remotely harmful to any member of the crew since "Ariel". Why was he so damn adamant that they lock her up?

I decided 1) Jayne did not lie about the gun, but he didn't tell the truth either – he said he doesn't leave them lying around, so he must have deliberately planted it; 2) he had a prior relationship with Early who suspected Jayne had a reason to try and back out (River "grappling" with an unknown member of the crew) and was the one to open the hatch to let Early in after everyone went to bed; 3) River had forgiven Jayne by the time he went to lift weights with Book.

The only acceptable solution to the mystery that accounted for my personal RAYNE canon was that Jayne had set up the situation months ago and now that things had changed he was having second thoughts. He planted the gun to get River locked up so Early couldn't get to her easily. Mal threw a (space) monkey-wrench into Jayne's plans because he didn't have River locked up and then dropped the "she might be psychic" bombshell – Jayne realized that if she was, she knew all about his attempt to sell her and there was nothing he could do about it. If she wasn't psychic, she'd been acting loony enough to be easily stolen and he couldn't stop it. River did know all about it and did the only thing she could think of to keep him from getting killed or injured – she had sex with him in a severely inebriated state, trusting the alcohol and orgasm would knock him out long enough for her to deal with Early.

I never liked River more than when she came to him in his bunk and gave him what he needed – release, sleep and forgiveness – accepting him just as he was without desiring to change him. A true act of love, that. And there are more and more clues to what she needs to keep herself functioning as well.

**Soup in hair**, **"y' ****ain't**** right"**, **muscular buttocks** and **drunk Jayne** came knocking on the door, begging to be written in along with **better in red** and **damage my calm**.

Trivia

104 is a multiple of 13, my favorite number

The frozen grapes foreshadow Jayne's treatment for his man parts in BDM, as well as a nod to Wedding Crashers (2005) – _"Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood." – Jeremy Grey_ and Surf's Up (2007, _"I can feel it in my nuggets!" _– Chicken Joe)

Elena, the Desert Eagle, makes another appearance

Part of my backstory for Jayne is that he used to be a bounty hunter and was partnered with Jubal Early

* * *

**10 – Through With You**

Okay, so they say that labor gets shorter with each child, but this "kid" took a helluva long time coming out. I needed to watch the movie (the BDM, not the skin-flick!) three times before I hit on the angle I needed to adopt. Jayne was strangely close-mouthed about the whole situation and I really had to pump him for information (minds. gutters._out_. all of you!) I finally realized that we needed to drop the age bomb on our man in this chapter so we could set-up for the huge payoffs that would start rollin' in, one after another, in the last two chapters.

This installment was not how the chapter was originally supposed to go. Unfortunately, I watched the BDM after I wrote "She Will Be Loved" (chapter in which River tells Jayne she's 18) and I had to find a way to deal with this issue because Simon plainly states that River is 17 in the BDM. Christ, what a coil! Add to that, the reaction of Baldwin, Glass and Staite at the Jive Magazine convention (which I saw after I wrote "Secret") needed to be addressed as well. How do I do that, stay within the canons – the official one as well as my own – and keep within the framework of the song as well? I also wanted them to have one last night of happiness and excitement before I started putting the damage on, so to speak.

First I tackled a few things that needed to be set up for the BDM: River being able to get into the Maidenhead even though she was clearly underage, the set-up for the River-knocks-out-Jayne scenes, the revelation of the myth she chose for herself and Jayne, the "bullet in the brainpan, squish" line that makes no sense to many,

I loved writing the bar scene. Originally, I thought it would be a lot more physical, perhaps River and Jayne getting into a card game and getting into a fight – paying off in the scene in the BDM between Kaylee and Jayne in the cargo bay – but Jayne took me aside and said if I was gonna be "putting the damage on", he wanted one more night with his girl before it all went downhill.

I thought, since Hennessy is a spirit and it goes well with **cigars** and chocolate, why not do a scene of Jayne teaching River how to drink cognac? Naturally, he'd choose a very expensive liquor because it's a chance for him to impress the rich girl, but also an opportunity for him to reveal some sense of depth, respect and caring. Further research yielded the fascinating information on the sources of the liquor I chose to use and it worked well with what I knew of Jayne's persona. I myself have my mixology degree, so I was able to incorporate the information about handling the liquor and how to roll the glass.

There needed to be a legitimate reason for them to be apart and besides physical separation, River didn't seem the type to stay away from Jayne for any period of time. I thought up the "age of consent" rule as a way to deal with any possible issues with there being a double-standard between everyone being okay with Kaylee having sex at such a young age and River being considered by many people to be too young for it.

Jayne was not happy about being told River was only seventeen, and I think I did as well as I could to keep him true to his canon character in his reactions. Book is really the only person who could have a discussion with Jayne about River and the age gap without there being gunfire or beatings and I liked twisting the grapefruit spoon a little more in Jayne's heart with the possibility of River having the true mentality of a child. I told you in the beginning that I am evil…it was also nice to foreshadow Book's death.

I debated on whether or not to include the final scene between River and Jayne, but I needed some kind of hope of redemption for the two of them so that all would not be lost. This is also a set-up for why River is included in the bank job Fanty and Mingo contract with Mal.

**Tea and dumplings**, **cigars**, **Maidenhead**, **Jayne licking Binky**, **kissing on the mouth**, **Special Hell**, **shoulda-woulda-coulda**.

Trivia

I chose almond as the nut River calls herself for two reasons – "amygdala" (the part of River's brain that they stripped) is Greek for "almond" and almonds are grown from plants with superior ovaries; in the BDM, River proves beyond a doubt that Jayne's "balls" are _not_ made of "solid rock" and her ovaries are indeed superior when she brains him with a can of peaches – the part of a peach that we eat is called the drupe, a.k.a. "superior ovary")

Part of the love scene is an _homage_ to the love scene in _300_ (2007) between Leonidas and Gorgo

I was listening to Toto's "Take My Hand", Erin Cruise's "Cold Shower", Tamia's "So Into You" and Michael Bolton's "Said I Loved You, But I Lied" while writing the love scene (while Michael Bolton's position in the Annals of Tackiness is assured, this one song is nothing less than spectacular in composition and execution)

Jayne's reflection on teaching was an _homage_ to Dyce's marvelous RAYNE series, "Horseshoe Nail"

Britchetta is derived from one of my favorite meals – the traditional British fry-up. The best I ever had was in Birmingham, UK, where Jack Adkins (father of the famous martial artist Scott Adkins and owner of Adkins Medical Research) made me some incredible breakfasts while I and my co-workers were viewing market research – this one's for you, Jack!

The Hennessy scene was suggested to me by Tyler' Perry's theater production of _Madea__ Goes to Jail_. _"I remember a man broke __ma__ heart…I was tore up an' had the radio on…__sittin__' here __sippin__' Hennessy an' __jes__ cryin__'…" – Mabel "__Madea__" Simmons_

The comment about treating cake "like a lady" is a reference to _Wedding Crashers_: _"That's not how you cut __cake,__ you __gotta__ treat cake like a lady!" – Jeremy Grey_

"Location, locality, locus" is derived from something a former flame used to say to me when we were in public and flirting hot and heavy

Oxytocin, prolactin and dopamine are the three chemicals that interact during sexual arousal and orgasm

"Jayne and I are having crack-addictive, scorching-hot space-monkey sex – the really, really filthy kind" is a reference to _Picture Perfect_ (1997) starring Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Bacon

"Gun-toting genius offspring" is an _homage_ to Lady Cleo's "Never a Normal Relationship…"

"Ya don't think a Core girl like that an' a man like me - " is an homage to Han Solo's words to Luke Skywalker in _The Empire Strikes Back_ (1980)

The lotus position River assumes is frequently used to depict Shiva, god of destruction in the Hindu faith – he is also called "The Archer", which is a reference to River's astrological sign (Sagittarius) and to Cupid

* * *

**11 – Not Coming Home**

So after I dropped the age-bomb on our man Jayne, I was left wondering: "how in the hell am I going to get him out of this pickle and keep 'er in canon?"

First, deal with the age issue. Simple enough – some amusing toying with marriage, a cake baking scene, and then a dinner scene with the revelation that River wasn't born on Osiris. But why would Jayne not go back to her? Maybe it wasn't Jayne not going to her, but _her_ not going to Jayne because…she didn't have any money…which give her a reason to go on the trip to Lilac! This second refusal would be enough for Jayne to not care if she got off at Beaumonde and died a horrible death from too much rancid dog meat – he was hurt, people.

While viewing the BDM, I noticed something interesting – Jayne seemed to be pervin' on Kaylee right up until River started kicking ass in the Maidenhead. What if the whole attack on Jayne was payback for him having thoughts about Kaylee? It fit, perfectly! As she took him out, River first proved his balls were not made of solid rock, administered a blow for thinking about Kaylee in an improper manner, and hit him in the stomach for feeding himself before coming back to talk with her and in the head for impure thoughts. Disciplining her man – whoo-hoo! – you go, girl! And then we have the whole knock-out scene with the peaches. "Superior ovaries." Precious!

Things needed to move quickly as I had to go from before the movie to just after the point when River dove through the aperture so I used "Interludes" to indicate the passing of time and concentrated on those portions of the movie that no one saw. There are a great many pieces on what was going on in Jayne's mind during the movie – I needed to see what was going on in the parts left on the so-called "cutting room floor". I knew from "The Message" that Jayne didn't think he was liable to last long.

Baldwin theorizes in the BDM Special Edition DVD that Jayne lifted the St. Christopher medal from the guard he knocked out on Lilac, but somehow I thought Book would be the one to wear it and give it to him later. The first time we see Jayne wear the medal is right after Inara is rescued by Mal, which fits nicely into the timeline because the crew has already been to Haven.

I didn't know where to include the love scene, but after realizing that everyone changed clothes after the discovery of the Miranda Report, I thought it would be a good time for River to comfort Jayne. So sad, so beautiful, so simply wonderful, I'm proud of that damn scene! Before I wrote it, I broke down, downloaded a certain NC-17 music video by a certain just-this-side-o'-rabid shipper whose initials are "bugchicklv" and watched it.

Oh.

My.

_**Gawd.**_

I swear on a stack of hardcore porn periodicals that I did it purely for the purposes of prurient interest and to hear that fabulous Berlin song and…oh, who the hell am I kidding? I did it because I needed to figure out how close River and Jayne's mouths would be depending on what position they were in when they were, um, "gettin' it on" as Jayne would say. Theresa Russell is 5'6½", Summer Glau is 5'6½", shoot me!

I also got a chance for Jayne to urge Simon into giving Kaylee something to live for, and that little "pep talk" seemed right in character for someone who wants to get out alive. The explanation of Jayne's snark at River as the best I could do, given the situation and what I know of Jayne under fire. Dyce had Jayne think love at River to anchor her in her epic, Miranda, but I had Jayne send trust and belief to her – in keeping with the theme of the movie, his personality and the character as I know it from canon.

Jayne paraphernalia: **Vera**, **consuming mass quantities**, **more guns**, **Ma Cobb and Mattie**, **"Dear Diary"**, **Binky**, **"Let's play a game called…"**, **"It's a girl…"**, **guitar playing**, **"****Coulda**** seen that ****comin****'"**, **cigars**, and **"man parts"**.

Trivia

The hardest part of this chapter was how to work in "not coming home" – I struck gold when I reviewed "Safe" on my DVD set (available for the bargain price of $x at your local purveyor of Firefly DVDs!) and it flowed from there

"I, me, this person(age) in front of you" is taken from Speechless (1994) a Geena Davis-Michael Keaton movie that I highly recommend – it has some great one-liners

I listened to "Fascinated" by Company B while writing the dinner scene

The riff on instruments is an homage to Dyce's riff on chess in Miranda

The "some honor among thieves" is an actual line used by Ron Glass at the 2005 Jive Magazine Convention to protest the pairing of River and Jayne

While in her fugue state, River references Pax Romana (the Peace of Rome), Shakespeare's The Tempest, and the legend of Deirdre

Nassim Nicholas Taleb introduced "Black Swan Theory" to the world in 2007. It identifies an unforeseen cataclysmic event that causes a complete and total paradigm shift, i.e., the September 11 attacks. "In a world where people assume all swans are white, the discovery of a black swan can be devastating to one's preconceptions about what it means to be a swan in the first place."

Taleb also introduced the concept of "scorn of the abstract", the concept that one life lost is a tragedy, but many lives lost are a statistic

The Memory Hole is an actual website that exists – dedicated to preserving that which the government would rather us not see

I listened to "The Etienne Trilogy" by Y Kant Tori Read and "Mother", "Tear in Your Hand", "Black Swan", "1,000 Oceans", "Merman" and "I'm On Fire" by Tori Amos while writing the love scene

"Can I bend your ear a tick?" is one of my favorite lines from Strictly Ballroom (1992)

Esmerelda is named after the gypsy in The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo

Hermione is named after the ill-treated queen in The Winter's Tale by Shakespeare

Phoebe is the name given to Jayne's gun in the novelization of the BDM by Keith DeCandido, which incidentally has many RAYNE moments sprinkled throughout – damn sight more than the BDM!

"This is my home" is derived from a trailer I saw for a movie called Swept From the Sea (1997), starring Rachel Weisz and Vincent Perez – "Whatever they do to us, whatever they take from us, wherever we may be, I am your home! And you are mine!"

* * *

12 – Sweetest Goodbye 

Did we really make it to the end of this? Oh, God, we did! Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, we really, really made it!

I survived one flash drive dying on me, multiple viewings of the BDM and the series, too many goddamn Diet-Coked-up sleepless nights that turned into days, a computer that died on me so many times that I felt like a necrophiliac each time I had to reboot the damn thing, and one very wild, wacky "E! True Hollywood Story"-style dream featuring Adam Baldwin, Janice Dickinson and the drug XTC. Note to self: do not, repeat, do not have Smartfood popcorn and Fig Newtons right before going to bed.

So this is the chapter where I do all the payoffs. As Madea would say, "halleluyer!"

I had a lot to wrap up in this chapter, which is the main reason for it being more than 8,000 words in length. Phew! I went back to the beginning and brought the whole thing full circle, starting with the "supposed to be scared" lead in and working from there. The first scene was meant to pay off the tension at the end of the last chapter, the second to set up some more questions in Jayne's head before he got his final payoff in the penultimate scene. The third one I wanted just for the sake of absolute pathos and bring in the concept of "meddling" – something Whedon introduced in the BDM.

I really enjoyed the chance to get into Jayne's head and examine what was going on for him during the funeral. I got to pay off the cigar in "Not Coming Home". I pulled from "Jaynestown" for Jayne's thoughts on Mr. Universe, and since Lenore's image was included with her husband's, I thought it a fitting end for her to be buried with him.

Wash seemed like a morning person, so I thought it would be nice for Jayne to take over his duties – our boy's most certainly not a morning person, but if there's enough noise coming from Kaylee's bunk, it might just make a morning person out of Jayne after all. The bit about Mal and the gun and to coffee seemed too over-the-top not to put in. I myself can't stand the stuff, but there are some people who only become human after they've had a pint or six of brew. This scene also gives the last clue as to what River might possibly require batteries for before the big reveal.

The love scene was so much fun to write. Jayne gets a little payback for "Shiver" and River gets to pay him back for the good care he took of her in "Must Get Out". Considering all the bathing Jayne likes to do, it seemed like a good place for him to come clean to River about his intentions. It also seemed like a good place for her to reveal her machinations and give him the time to figure out what was going on for himself before he committed to something without seeing the whole picture. The concept of "meddling" comes in again and River has to face that not only has she done something she finds unforgiveable, considering her past, but she did it to someone she loved.

I pulled in all the great Jayne lines I could think of in the confrontation scene, opting for something deeply intimate rather than a grandiose "kitchen sink" scene including all of the crew. I like the way it worked out, though it took a fair amount of patience to get it all in. I wanted their first kiss to be perfect and unexpectedly sweet, like Jayne proved himself to be throughout the entire series, and I think I accomplished that pretty well. There was payoff from "She Will Be Loved" and we also get the payoff for the "Simon-in-the-whorehouse" scene in "Sunday Morning". And you know if he accepts River and Jayne, the rest of the crew will follow suit.

In the next scene, we get a lot of explanation about what had been going on all those chapters. What River said to Jayne about his appeal – that's entirely me and the reason I chose Jayne as the focus of these stories. His forgiveness of her "sins of omission" echoes her forgiveness of his in "Secret". The bit about asking his mother for permission to court him was just too precious – I envision much fall-out from this little conversation! The female-pursues-the-male twist would also explain Simon's reticence to go after Kaylee all those months. I also wanted there to be a huge payoff for Jayne bein' decent for once in his life – an immensely wealthy wife. Tee-hee!

I wanted there to be a legitimate reason why Jayne never kissed a woman on the mouth and that seemed the most romantic thing I could think of. Sigh…

Jayne paraphernalia: **God's balls**, **tea and dumplings**, **"can't do ****somethin****' smart, do ****somethin****' right"**, **cigar**, **fought the law**, **pancakes**, **cunning hat**, **"mean, dumb ****sumbitch****"**, **"my ****kinda**** life don't last****"**, **"as a rule that ****girlfolk****ain't**** to be trusted"**, **"people like that…only supposed to be people like ****me"**, **"****Men like you are scarce…like the rain, they come along only when they are needed most"**, **"****extreme**** sentimental value"**, **"Got me important hero-type stuff to do"**, **"we'll be in our bunk"**, **tussle**, **mercenary**, **Ma Cobb**, **frozen grapes**, **barroom brawls**.

Trivia

I listened to "When I'm With You" by Sheriff, "Oh Girl" by Paul Young, "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow, "Fields of Gold" by Sting while writing the first three scenes

"Smooth criminal voice" is a reference to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" – really great track by a really great artist before he went loco

"A toad trying to eat swan's flesh" is supposedly a Chinese idiom that indicates a man who lusts after a woman far above his station – I couldn't find a translation into pinyin, so I used the English version

"Hairy bird" is a quote from "All I Wanna Do" (1995), a movie starring a young Kirsten Dunst and set in an all girl's school, much like my own dear Bryn Mawr, except for high-school girls

I listened to "Anytime" by Brian McKnight, "Doin' It" by LL Cool J and "Feelin' Love" by Paula Cole while writing the first love scene

Jayne's inability to type harkens back to one of my former coworkers who used my typing skills to great effect because he himself was only good with his two index fingers

"Cob" is the male swan, "pen" is the female, and a group of swans is called a "lamentation" – cygnets change their colors when they become adults

The part about sharing weapons was the first exchange I wrote for this chapter

"Signed yer name 'cross my heart" is a reference to Terence Trent D'Arby's gorgeous song, "Sign Your Name"

"Crazy for you" references the Madonna song of the same name

"Brains, beauty, breeding and bounty" is from John Water's movie, Cry-Baby (1990)

I continued on with the frozen grape theme that Adam Baldwin started in the BDM to coherently tie-in all three final chapters

* * *

F.A.Q. 

What was the therapy River was using to keep sane?

Oxytocin, dopamine and prolactin. In simplified terms, she was using sexual arousal and orgasm to calm herself. The ancient Greeks once thought that a lack of sex caused hysteria. Why not have it be the strange but true truth for River Tam?

Incidentally, I severely butted heads with one young lady over the underlying premise and I apologize if it offends any of you, especially Mr. Baldwin, Mr. Glass, Ms. Staite and that whack-a-doodle who used an entire web address to denounce RAYNE.

Whose idea was it for the "therapy"?

Mine, all mine. But I gave the credit to Inara. I postulated that Companions learn in their teens that masturbation is an effective method in calming nerves. According to my version of the 'verse, she has a conversation with Simon to get his buy-in, then gives River a vibrator and tells her how to use it.

What is "self-time"?

River's codeword for "masturbation" or "sexual activity". In "This Love" were are introduced to "self-time" when River refers to it while she's talking with her brother. Jayne (naturally) does not pick up on this.

What was River singing in the shower in "She Will Be Loved"?

"Glory Box" by Portishead.

Why did River demand Jayne say her name a second time?

Because the first time, Jayne was saying the name of his new gun, not her name.

What pictures was River looking at in "The Sun"?

Jayne Cobb and his childhood friend, Jubal Early. This explains the "better in red" remark she made in "Ariel" (when it was just an image pulled from his mind) and how Early got on the ship in "Objects in Space".

There are pieces missing from the chapters, important scenes that would explain a lot more – why?

The entire story is written from Jayne's perspective, so if he doesn't know or doesn't see something, it's not mentioned in the story – I shamelessly stole/homaged this conceit from Gosford Park.

* * *

There…it's finally done…

Green Owl will return to the Firefly characters in 2008…

KASHMIR


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